trim dawgs
Fantasy football — 14 teams, one trophy, thirteen disappointments.
the 2026 draft order
Official clocked time: 50:12. Sealed times are now public — closest to the clock picks first.
| Pick | Team | Sealed time | Off by |
|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | Meatball Thunder Matt Garvey | 44:53 | −5.3 min |
| 2 | Joe Didn't Know Zach Karalis | 56:35 | +6.4 min |
| 3 | Chef Tini Kyle Lentini | 40:55 | −9.3 min |
| 4 | Noah's Nuggets Chris Rodgers | 60:11 | +10.0 min |
| 5 | Tender Tugdowns Justin Mancovsky | 31:59 | −18.2 min |
| 6 | bucketsMCnidas Shane Farley | 69:22 | +19.2 min |
| 7 | Packers Defense Connor Reardon | 26:49 | −23.4 min |
| 8 | Davis “Davis Clark” Clark John Mastascusa | 21:44 | −28.5 min |
| 9 | Goblin Mode Michael Moroney | 20:34 | −29.6 min |
| 10 | Team Moroney Matt Dignan | 15:46 | −34.4 min |
| 11 | Love the Way it Hurts Quenten Harrell | 14:54 | −35.3 min |
| 12 | Woolbinkie6969 Aaron Todd | 13:41 | −36.5 min |
| 13 | $hit boyz Patrick Rodgers | 8:16 | −41.9 min |
| 14 | Booty Juicers Danny McDermott | 93:21 | +43.1 min |
how last year finished
Places 1–6 come out of the playoff bracket. Places 7–14 come out of the ass bowl, where the lower score advances and the last team standing takes the punishment — so the order below is not ESPN’s.
Seed is where each team finished the regular season; Move is the change from that seed to final placement. All six playoff teams held a top-six finish, so the divider is also the playoff line. Bars show points for minus points against, anchored at zero.
| # | Team | Record | PF | PA | Point differential | Seed | Move |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | $hit boyz Patrick Rodgers | 11–3 | 1798.2 | 1457.1 | +341.1 | 1 | — |
| 2 | Love the Way it Hurts Quenten Harrell | 9–5 | 1753.4 | 1593.4 | +160.0 | 3 | ▲ 1 |
| 3 | Booty Juicers Danny McDermott | 9–5 | 1630.0 | 1606.3 | +23.7 | 4 | ▲ 1 |
| 4 | Woolbinkie6969 Aaron Todd | 10–4 | 1564.9 | 1481.5 | +83.4 | 2 | ▼ 2 |
| 5 | Noah’s Nuggets Chris Rodgers | 9–5 | 1521.4 | 1501.2 | +20.2 | 5 | — |
| 6 | bucketsMCnidas Shane Farley | 7–7 | 1572.2 | 1520.7 | +51.5 | 6 | — |
| 7 | Team Moroney Matt Dignan | 6–8 | 1632.2 | 1708.5 | -76.3 | 9 | ▲ 2 |
| 8 | Joe Didn’t Know Zach Karalis | 6–8 | 1506.2 | 1647.3 | -141.1 | 10 | ▲ 2 |
| 9 | Goblin Mode Michael Moroney | 4–10 | 1620.3 | 1637.7 | -17.4 | 13 | ▲ 4 |
| 10 | Davis “Davis Clark” Clark John Mastascusa | 3–11 | 1340.8 | 1612.9 | -272.1 | 14 | ▲ 4 |
| 11 | Meatball Thunder Matt Garvey | 6–8 | 1796.0 | 1679.8 | +116.2 | 8 | ▼ 3 |
| 12 | Chef Tini Kyle Lentini | 6–8 | 1472.4 | 1633.7 | -161.3 | 11 | ▼ 1 |
| 13 | Packers Defense Connor Reardon | 7–7 | 1554.8 | 1606.0 | -51.2 | 7 | ▼ 6 |
| 14 | Tender Tugdowns Justin Mancovsky | 5–9 | 1518.5 | 1595.3 | -76.8 | 12 | ▼ 2 |
Playoff field above the pink line · ass bowl bracket below.
How the bottom eight were sorted
Seeds 7–14 played a losers-advance bracket: score higher and you escape, score lower and you move a round closer to the punishment. Escape earlier, finish higher; ties inside a round break by regular-season seed.
ESPN can’t model this format, so it scheduled different week 15–17 opponents and ranked the results the normal way. Fantasy points don’t depend on the opponent, so the bracket above is re-run from each team’s actual weekly score.